Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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