i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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