me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
