Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
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my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
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If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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