I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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