it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she woke up with a sticky ear
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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