Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
