I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
