Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
then he tried to convert me to islam
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just forgot I was standing up.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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