So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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