Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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