wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
