Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
