Only a mothe r could love this liver
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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