fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
