Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
