Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
