Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
