In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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