paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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