I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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