watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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