Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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