Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
