you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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