tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
