if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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