I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
