No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Man, jail baloney is awful.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
