A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
