god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
