Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
