I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
