Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
What a dumb baby whore.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
