Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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