He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I woke up under a house in Key West
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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