Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
