and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
