When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
