i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
