I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
