Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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