Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
