Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize