So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
