You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
