Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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