It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
