Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
