i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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