she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
