Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
