Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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