so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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