I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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