He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
