Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
