The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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